Baby News

It's out there on Facebook and Instagram, so I guess that makes it official. We are expecting baby #3.

These two cute brothers are going to be welcoming a baby SISTER into the family this fall!

I'm 16 weeks along and this has been a pregnancy quite unlike the other two so far. For one, I actually felt pretty crappy for the first 11 weeks. Is that what the rest of you have had to put up with? Ugh! Somehow I escaped the first two pregnancies pretty much sickness free. And, if I'm being honest, I have no right to complain even now. While I felt generally yucky for most of the first trimester, I never threw up... not even once. I just woke up feeling nauseous knowing that I needed to eat something and yet the idea of having to eat something made me nauseous. And once I ate something I generally felt nauseous because I ate something and then had a few minutes of feeling fine before the cycle started again. That, and I felt a serious energy crash in the afternoon... almost every afternoon. So I'd have the kids pile into bed with me and I'd let them watch cartoons while I counted down the minutes until Yo made it home from work.

Looking back, I'd say I was extra grumpy, too. But it's hard to isolate whether that grumpiness was rooted in hormones or the fact that the winter felt never ending for a stretch and I was feeling lonely and missing my friends and family (who almost all happen to live in warm weather places... salt in the wound).

But I'm happy to say that the weather has improved and my morning sickness has pretty much all but dissipated along with my grumpy mood.

Another first that I experienced with this baby was food cravings and food aversions. I went through a few weeks where I couldn't get enough cheez its. And then there was the week of hotdogs. (I never eat hotdogs.) But mostly some random will pop into my mind and I will obsess about it and feel like I will never be satisfied again until I get to eat what I'm craving. Just recently I've jumped on the avocado roll band wagon with some of my other pregnant friends. I feel like I could eat those every day of the week, 3 meals a day, if given the option.

As far as aversions go, these have been pretty inconsistent, too. But one thing I have not wanted in the least is Diet Coke. Of all things. So I've been drinking a lot more water, which is probably for the best, and slipping in the occasional caffeine free diet dr pepper or a diet cherry limeade from Sonic. And while I've never been a big candy eater, we always seem to have a stash of peanut m&m's in our house and where I used to find myself eating a fistful or two throughout the day pre-pregnancy, I have not had a single one since baby came along. Baby also doesn't like Chick-Fil-A, which is a shame because it's the one fast food chain I feel less guilty taking my kids to.

I wish that me dropping the above unhealthy habits meant this baby was making me a healthier eater in general, but I swear when hunger hits me, it hits me like a sledgehammer over the head. Which rarely leaves me the time it would take to prepare a healthy balanced meal (as if that's my strength anyway). Instead I find myself hovering in desperation over my fridge and scarfing down anything that doesn't look repulsive at the minute. If hunger hits me when I'm out and about I find myself hitting the closest drive through window--what other choice do I have? And the worst part about my voracious hunger is that an hour after I've eaten my weight in food, I'm starving again.

Because I've been feeling so different this pregnancy, the thought definitely crossed my mind early on that I might be expecting a girl this time around. But that inkling was pretty much dashed when I had an ultrasound at 11 weeks and pressured the sonographer into guessing and she said she it was too early to tell for sure, but she was pretty confident it was a boy. And truly, boy is what Yo and I were expecting all along after having 2 back-to-back. So I went home and told Yo and my mom and a handful of friends that we were having a boy.

Why mess with perfection, right?

Truthfully, I wasn't at all disappointed at the idea of having a 3rd boy. I was actually really excited. We had a name picked out, Finn (Kai, Ari and Finn.... it just works!). And I could already picture my life with 3 little boys all buddying around. We already have every boy thing under the sun and thought how fortunate it was that we were covered... very little preparation for #3 would need to be done.

We lived with the idea of little Finn (we even started referring to the baby as that) in our minds, until 3 weeks later when I had a follow-up ultrasound with a perinatologist at a little over 14 weeks. The peri's office has an ultra high def ultrasound machine that allows the doctor to check out mama and baby in greater detail than is possible at the regular ob's office. And apparently my peri prides himself in being able to identify babies' genders during the first trimester. True to his word, he got the perfect angle on our little one and absolutely shocked me when he announced, I'm 90% sure you are having a girl.

WHAT?!?!

So I left the appointment feeling bemused and trying to wrap my head around this news.

Yo was equally befuddled. The only one who seemed nonplussed was Kai who has been insisting that it's a little girl all along. (Is it just me, or do little kids have an uncanny ability to get these things right?)

Since then I've found myself watching little girls more intently at the park and at story time at the library and trying to imagine what a little Carly/Yo girl is going to look like and be like. This is totally unchartered territory for us.

I haven't bought anything for baby girl yet and probably won't until I go back for my 20 week ultrasound in a few weeks and have the unfathomable confirmed.... just in case Finn was playing a joke on us. But I find myself on pinterest looking at nursery ideas and I have a growing list of girl names stashed away on my phone.

You may be wondering, why the perinatologist and so many ultrasounds?

At my routine 8 wk check-up, two subchorionic hematomas were found during my ultrasound. This basically describes a condition where the gestational sac holding the baby separates from the uterus and blood vessels then bleed into the gap that is created between the two. Doctors don't really have an understanding of why this happens and depending on what study you read or who you talk to, an sch occurs in 1.5 - 25% of pregnancies. Super accurate info, right?

Most sch's are small. Mine happened to be large. And most resolve on their own within the first trimester. One happened to resolve, one happened to get significantly bigger. And the longer the SCH lasts and the larger it gets, the greater the risks which include all sorts of fun things like fetal growth restriction, premature rupture of membranes, placental abruption, spontaneous abortion, premature labor, placental previa, etc. etc. etc.

So I'm being monitored more closely by my ob and was referred to a peri for additional consultation.

Unfortunately doctors not only don't know what causes sch's, there is no consistent or proven method for treating them either. Some doctors prescribe bed rest, but this is largely going out of fashion based on recent studies that call to question bed rest's clinical benefits at best, and suggest that bed rest can have adverse side effects and increase the risk of negative outcomes at worst. The literature is confusing, but the doctors I have seen have told me that I should continue life as usual, but avoid overly exerting myself (heavy lifting, strenuous activities, etc., and by "etc." I mean they have been less than specific about what these restrictions entail).

Precautions aside, an sch creates a "watch and wait" situation. It may go away. It may not. It may cause complications for baby. It may not.

In the initial weeks after being diagnosed I obsessed, and stressed, and researched and obsessed and stressed some more. It was especially stressful because I felt like I had no one to talk to who could relate. We had only announced we were expecting to a few people and I didn't know how to unload this latest development on them and I found myself suddenly regretting sharing our news with anyone because I worried that we might not make it to the second trimester and I'd have to go back and tell everyone our unhappy news. It was stressful and lonely.

But I had a come to Jesus moment between weeks 8 and 11 where I poured my heart out to my Heavenly Father in prayer and suddenly appreciated that someone did know exactly what I was going through. Someone had felt my exact heartache and my exact worry.

And I realized that no matter the outcome, I was not bearing this burden alone. Peace came over me not in a wave of relief, but in the stillness of resignation. I don't mean that in a defeatist sort of way. Because rather than feeling defeated, I felt calm. My acute worry was replaced with a quiet acceptance that this pregnancy is in the Lord's hands and it will be ok.

My heart has broken many times over for friends who have suffered miscarriages or stillbirths or the loss of their little ones. I've always shuttered at the thought of something happening to one of my children. It's my ultimate fear and the thought of it stops my heart from beating.

But I have accepted for a long time now that "ok" does not necessarily mean that things turn out the way that we would like them to. So while I hope that the peace that I feel will carry me through to the birth of a healthy baby, I know that we are not in the clear. If the unimaginable happens it will define who I am for the rest of my life... but it will also be "ok."

Sometimes I wish the world didn't work this way, but I have seen in my life how God works miracles through our trials. And recently I have heard countless talks at church that speak to this idea. Last week someone taught that our trials are tailor made to our specific needs and are for own good. I have felt that so profoundly through this experience.

I have felt more humble, more prayerful, more empathetic to the trials others are going through, more reliant on the Lord, more appreciative of Heavenly Father's sacrifice of His own son, and profoundly more grateful for all of the blessings that I have in my life... especially for two easy pregnancies and the two healthy, happy boys that entered my life as a result.

Since that prayer, there have been moments where my symptoms have worsened that have led to bouts of worry, but my baseline outlook is pretty optimistic and I am taking this pregnancy one day at a time--more appreciative than ever for each day that I remain pregnant and each week that baby has to grow and get stronger and closer to being ready to live a life outside my womb.

Following that prayer, I also was struck with the impression that I should share my "news" with a few supportive friends. And that, too, has made a world of difference. Each encouraging word and expression of support has helped to bolster me up and made me realize how lucky I am to have such a wonderful support network.

These impressions and experiences have felt all the more poignant as they have coincided with the Easter season, a time when my thoughts are naturally more focused on my loving Savior's sacrifice and the significance of His miraculous resurrection.

The Lord's suffering, sacrifice, and promises have taken on a more personal meaning this year. And for that I will be forever grateful.

Happy Easter!

Agree to disagree

Every general conference I wonder if and how the topic of same sex marriage will be broached. Yesterday Elder Andersen reconfirmed the church's stance that marriage is between a man and woman and confronted members who have publicly supported any other definition of marriage, via facebook, etc., head-on. I am one such individual.

Some postings I've seen on-line have challenged anybody who is LDS to continue to support the legalization of gay marriage in light of Elder Andersen's comments. So I am taking that challenge and sharing some specific reasons why I support the legalization of same sex marriage...

1. Separation of state and religion - As an active member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, I strive to adhere both to the laws of the land and to laws of Heavenly Father. But I would never want to live in a country where His laws became the laws of the land. Imagine a Mormon version of the Taliban giving elected officials the power to enforce their interpretations of God's law. And imagine the room for oppression, let alone abuse, that this would create. Our agency is essential to God's plan, as is our ability to worship according to the dictates of our own conscience. This country was founded on principles of religious freedom, which are protected by a legal separation between church and state. Therefore, I do not believe that we should legislate our morals, per se, but that a separate standard should be applied to the laws of the land.

What is that standard?

2. . What is good for society - Because of the necessary separation between state and religion, there needs to be a separate standard for the laws that govern society than those that govern our church membership. Individual freedom should be respected and protected by the laws of the land as much as possible. Marriage has long been recognized by our society as a positive, stabilizing force. It is good for the economy. It is good for our communities. Therefore, it is worth incentivizing through tax breaks and other laws that reward people who participate in long-term, committed, relationships. So why wouldn't long-term, stable, committed, relationships between same sex couples be preferable to short-term, unstable, non-committed relationships (if that is the alternative)? While some laws promote societal goods, others prevent societal harms. So the question becomes whether allowing same sex marriage would be so harmful to society that it should be prevented by law.

3. Same sex marriage does not threaten traditional marriage or to society at large - I have heard people talk about SSM as if it poses the single greatest threat to the institution of marriage and society as a whole. Can anyone really make this argument sufficiently to justify denying two consenting, adults the right to marry each other--something I consider a fundamental and very personal right? Let's be honest, if we want to outlaw behaviors that threaten traditional marriage, then we should criminalize adultery, pornography, intimacy outside of marriage, dishonesty, the devaluation of marriage in media, living outside of one's fiscal means. Heck, we should outlaw divorce itself. But of course, this is not a practical (or advisable) course of action. The church seems to accept that it is not the role of law to prevent such behaviors, but rather encourages people's elective adherence to a higher law. The values that we are encouraged to cultivate in ourselves, our homes and our families include self-government, loyalty, fidelity, integrity, purity, chastity, selflessness, forgiveness, sacrifice, and provident living. And these values help to counterbalance the societal ills listed above and many others which threaten marriages. Our religion also teaches that marriage should be between a man and a woman. This is precisely the role that religion should play, but not a definition that the government should enforce.

4. Same sex marriage does not decrease the value of heterosexual marriage - A lot of people get caught up on the sanctity of the word "marriage". And they have every right to ascribe whatever value they want to the word. But it does not change how God sees or values secular unions. So, if you believe that God only intended for marriage to be between a man and a woman, kudos. If you are right, then I am sure that regardless of whether you call marriage, "marriage" or a "civil union" or  "(insert nonsensical made-up word here)", God will hold the sacred union between a man and a woman in a different esteem than a same sex union anyway. In fact, as Mormons, we don't hold all heterosexual unions in the same esteem. We believe that the only bond that cannot be broken by death is a sealing of a man to a woman in our temple. And there is a high standard of worthiness set for these temple sealings that bars the vast heterosexual population from participating. So if we as LDS believe that not all marriages are created equal, why not just be satisfied to personally believe (if that is your belief) that a homosexual union is even "less equal" than other non-temple marriages?

5. Legalizing gay marriage will not make people gay - people are not more likely or less likely to be gay based on whether gay marriage is legal. But maybe an adolescent who is gay is less likely to commit suicide if he/she lives in a society that does not openly discriminate against gays.

6. Compassion - It has taken a long time, but in recent years leaders in the church have finally acknowledged that same sex attraction is something that people are born with and not a a choice. Therefore, people with ssa cannot be reprogrammed (a practice the church once espoused) and the church has cautioned those with ssa against entering into marriages with members of the opposite sex because of the complications that tend to arise in such unions. So what option does this leave them? I love that our church holds family and family relationships in such high esteem. There is no better teaching ground to learn the unconditional nature of Christ-like love than in the home. There is no greater source of joy than sharing precious familial bonds--in choosing to love someone and to stick by that person and to accept that person with all their flaws and to have them stand by you and accept you, too. I cannot imagine being taught my whole life that this is the plan of happiness, but that I am not allowed to fully partake in that plan. That by the very nature of who I am and how I was created by my loving Heavenly Father, that that plan, His plan, is not for me. This is simply something that my brain has not been able to reconcile. I will be the first to admit that I do not know God's will. And that I cannot change it. But at the same time, as a mother, I know exactly how I would feel if one of my children came to me and told me that they were gay. I would love them unconditionally. I would support them and want for them the things in life that will bring them fulfillment and happiness. And I would absolutely support their desire to find a spouse and to have a family of their own if that's what they wanted. But the point is, as their mother, it would not matter in the slightest to me. And I want and need them to know that. I look at my children and see two perfect little people who were created just as God intended them. And it is not my job to change them, but love them and instruct them and to teach them to be good and to love others. That is the way that I feel Heavenly Father must love me. As flawed as I am. I go to Him and I feel that I'm just as He intended me to be.

7. The dictates of my conscience - It is not always comfortable being a minority among Mormons. I just moved to a place where the church is way more homogenous than it is in the Bay Area where we came from and I find myself biting my tongue quite often when people in church make blanket political or social statements assuming that everyone in the room is, obviously, of the same opinion. I love the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I love that it helps me to understand the nature of my Heavenly Father and to grow closer to my Savior. I love that it promotes Christlike attributes and gives a profoundly deeper meaning to my life. I love that it provides a foundation for my marriage, my relationship with my children, and many invaluable friendships. But our church and its leaders are not infallible. And while I choose to respect the moral council of the church leadership, I exercise my right to my own political opinions. History has proven that the church sometimes gets it wrong. I would hope that if I lived in or before the 60's I would have found racial segregation and laws prohibiting interracial marriage and the church's practice of banning blacks from the priesthood just as morally reprehensible as denying homosexuals from being able to marry and raise families and enjoy those same things that make my life most meaningful.

The purpose of this post is not incite or offend. I know that many people who read this will not agree with me. But that is ok (we've been here before, eh?). But these are just thoughts that have been weighing heavily on my mind that I felt I needed to air... and own. To others that agree with me: have courage. To those who don't, I hope that you can see that my views are not arrived upon lightly and that while for many of you religion trumps all so no matter what my justifications I am in the wrong, I ask you to at least have tolerance for those that disagree with you and don't be afraid to seek to understand where they are coming from.